An Imaginary Q&A
Is it weird to have a Q&A composed entirely of questions I imagine people might ask? Whatevah! I do what I want!
What's all this? I thought you were an editor. I'm here to get my book editor-ded and stuff. I have several cash monies I can give you.
You are several years too late, my friend. Though, judging by the absolute dearth of e-mails asking for that, you are part of an elite few. So you can be proud of that. I have joked about lighting a cigar with the flaming diploma for my English BA. I may still do that before leaving.
RE: Programming and Computer Science-ing
What's all this? I thought you were a CS grad. I'm here to get my computer programmer-ded. I have several cash monies I can give you.
You are only slightly too late, my friend. Yes, I recently graduated from OSU with a BS in Computer Science, but I am the furthest thing from the next Turing. My GitHub is threadbare (and all repos will be private by the time you read this), and my GPA is okay but not sterling. Offhand, I can name a dozen awesome people from my graduating class you would hire before you'd hire me. They're probably all hired already, but I'm no longer on the menu. You're not really missing out. Thanks for stopping by.
What's all this? Why did you give me this URL, Huff?
Finally, my target audience. This is my personal travel blog. As you might have heard recently, I'm going to Sweden. I will not return.
RE: RE: WTF?
RE: RE: RE: WTF?
Read the blog.
RE: Phone / Social Media / E-mail
I don't want to read your stupid blog. Just write or call me or message me on Facebook like everyone else. What, you think you're special?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I'm not going to use Facebook anymore. In the past, I've been largely unconcerned about data collection and whatever other nasty stuff is happening with my dumb pictures and unfunny statuses. But I've concluded it promotes unhealthy habits in me (if not everyone.) Consequently, I'm not interested in participating in social media anymore. My Facebook profile will remain to point to this site. Effective October 9th, I will not be checking the messages there.
I will not have a phone. Again, it promotes unhealthy behavior in me. I don't want to live that way anymore. Rather than making a million phone calls and writing a million e-mails, I will populate this blog. Not interested in visiting here? No problem, no hard feelings. Enjoy your life.
But but but... what if I really need to reach you? Like, really really?
If it's a life or death situation, call 911. If you've spilled some juice on the carpet, use Resolve — dab lightly, don't scrub.
There's nothing I alone can do for anyone. There's nothing I need to be in the United States for. I know it sounds cold, but it's true. You're a big boy(and/or)girl now. You don't need me to kiss your boo-boos every time you fall off your bike. Go get 'em tiger.
RE: RE: Emergency
OMG! Huff, srsly! Someone DIED!
Use Resolve — dab lightly, don't scrub.
Look, I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm fairly confident that person will continue to be dead regardless of whether I show up. If you feel compelled to reach out to me about someone dying, I have a workable alternative. Simply imagine me there at the funeral, very sad, and extremely uncomfortable in my one suit. My way is equally effective, costs far less than a last-minute plane ticket across the Atlantic, and confers the bonus of not having to look at (or smell) me.
RE: RE: RE: Emergency
I'm pregnant and it's yours.
Ursäkta mig. Jag talar ingen Engelska.
Jesus... since when have you been such a dick, Huff?
June of '85, roughly.
RE: RE: Asshole
Seriously, do you just not love us anymore?
Sure, I do. If you're reading this, there's a better than average chance you've heard me bitching and moaning about one thing or another. I'm well aware of how unbecoming that is. How irritating. How frustrating. So, I'm doing something about it. I wish I could take you all with me, but I don't think you'd enjoy it like I will. Stay here and have some Dunkin Donuts or something for me, okay?
RE: Site design?
Wow! This webpage is way prettier than your old one. College treated you well, huh?
I wish. Web dev was by far my weakest subject, and I couldn't design something this nice-looking if you promised me a stretch limo stocked with Lagavulin Distiller's Edition and occupied by Michelle Rodriguez, Monica Bellucci, 1970s-era Diana Rigg, that super hot alternative girl from Lilyhammer... wait, what was I saying?
I took an open source design and filled in some blanks. I doubt anyone would ever ask this. Just wanted to cop to it upfront, I guess.
What's this user/pass stuff you just gave me?
Use that under the log-in section. If I don't goon this whole thing up too badly, it will give you access to content that's too hot for TV.
RE: RE: Log-ins?
Hey! How come other people got a log-in and I didn't?
Some people have log-ins to get to content that belongs to them. For instance, if I have old pictures I want to upload for my old Marine buddies, I have to be restrictive. Some of that is highly classified. And by "highly classified," I mean embarrassing.
RE: RE: RE: Log-ins?
I want a log-in! C'mon, don't you think I'm special?
Of course. Mr. Rogers and I agree that you're special and unique. You wouldn't be visiting this page if I hadn't invited you. Don't you appreciate that I thought of you? If you really want a log-in, I will create one for you and try to come up with some content to satisfy your whiny, ungrateful self. Time permitting, of course.
RE: RE: RE: RE: Log-ins?
Actually, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. We haven't talked in like ten years. Why did you call me here?
Mostly to avoid pissing you off in the future when you go to e-mail me or shoot me a Facebook message asking for my help editing the text for a GoFundMe in support of your cousin Tiny's cosmetic duodenum surgery. You will not be quizzed on any of this material. I won't know if you've looked at any of this or not, so if you don't want to be here, feel free to bail.
RE: This thing is broken
My credentials don't seem to be working, or there doesn't seem to be any content showing up when I log in. What gives?
I might not have implemented your user/pass or uploaded your content yet. Feel free to bug me until I do it. The people who bother me about their log-ins will get priority over the dumb, stupid, fart-face losers who bailed already. Whether you're a totally awesome person still reading or one of those dumb-dumbs, rest assured I will make sure this is fully functional before I step off.
RE: Departure date
When do you leave?
Stalker. It'll be in mid-October. If you message me and hear nothing back, just assume I've left already.
RE: Due date
Are you really gonna have all this done before then?
Not if I keep talking to myself like this, pretending it's you. Better get to work.
RE: More questions
Wait! You suck at being me. You didn't answer my question. Why are you so cruel?
I got your back. Message me on Facebook while you still can. Or shoot me an e-mail.